Even the country girls deconstructed your bullshit 🤠

I'm unhinged. Who let the horse girl out of her pen.

The conservative christian white girl to liberal coastal cowgirl needs to be studied, and of course it comes with a playlist:

I recently had one of many “come to Jesus” moments. I got caught up in the side of TikTok discussing which one of the SLOMW’s cast members were Trump supporters.

This video pretty much sums it up.

I’m a little ashamed to admit that I was wondering the same thing…

Why does it matter to me if the women I just watched on my most recent reality TV binge are “Trumpers”? (Cue Taylor’s step dad: “WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU!???”)

But, I also won’t deny it… it does. It matters to me. The why could be psychoanalyzed, but let’s talk about what I know right now:

I grew up in Salt Lake City Utah. I grew up Mormon. I’ve been raised by influencer culture for better and for worse.

I also deconstructed Mormonism. I’ve become increasingly liberal. The role models I now hold are forever changed.

It matters to me.

And I still wonder, am I alone?

At this very moment writing this I hear Katie Gavin’s words echo in my ear:

“We’re from a long line of people
We’d describe as inconsolable
We don’t know how to be helped

Yeah, we’re from a whole huddle of households
Full of beds where nobody cuddled
We don’t know how to be held

But I’ve seen baby lizards
Running in the river when they open their eyes
Even though no one taught them how or why”

The country twang that’s so often turned me off draws me in. The lyrics are poetry for my deconstructed soul.

On some level, just for a moment, I feel understood by Katie from MUNA, whom I’ve also never met, but look up to. I imagine based only on the facts that she’s gorgeous redhead lesbian singer from Illinois that she must’ve had a taste of deconstruction. Either that or she must’ve read my mind? Somehow the deconstruction background makes more sense.

I see visions of “Canada Maddie” again. I feel like a fraud that can’t claim to be from a rural community or small town anymore. I’ve mostly lived in Salt Lake City since I was 11 years old, yet, my typical response to “where are you from” leaves out so much.

Before the city there were years of grasshopper hunting in fields, picking strawberries, and petting horses in the yard. I was in this headspace when I wrote this piece, and she’s still a part of me. Re-reading this reminds me that many before me have traded veiled faces and enclosed places for wide open spaces.

I’m a previously conservative white girl from Utah, far from the first to deconstruct religion, politics, and sexuality. In fact, I’d argue I’m joining the vineyard at the eleventh hour.¹

I can see the Reductress memes now:

But because of my personal experience, I’m intrigued. Who else has explored the wild west?

Now if you were paying attention earlier, you’ll remember social media helped raise me. A huge part of my lore is my obsession with social media and influencer culture, especially Utah influencer culture from age 16+. I even went on to work in influencer marketing, so that special interest paid off.

In the meantime, I’m growing up with these women as role models. Perhaps they didn’t choose to be, but influence meant something before social media after all. Where do we think the term came from?

And although social media has it’s many ups and downs, I’m proud of my little community on here. Through the course of ten years I’ve watched so many deconstructing influencers.

First I watched for active LDS role models like @Taza (may she rest in peace).

Then I watched alongside, jealous and judgmental, as people consistently asked every influencer who traded their Bermuda shorts for mini skirts, “How are you wearing your garments in that?”.

Then I watched as Jaci Marie Smith shared her story on Girls Camp Podcast.

I watched as Amber Fillerup closed off the topic of religion to protect herself, then bloomed into a spiritual artistic goddess.

I watched as Madi Murphy shared that she no longer identified as Mormon.

I watched Rosie Card from a temple dress company patron to a post-Mormon invested in her politics. Then I watched (and cried) as she released her Salt Lake Tribune op-ed officially announcing for the first time that she no longer identified as LDS.

I love to see these women change. I love to see them speak their minds.

Many long-time role model women have deconstructed politics, religion, and sexuality. Many people of color, queer people, and women have trodden this path long before us.

While some may respond to that with “leaving the church seems to be the ‘popular’ thing these days” 🙄 I’d argue that if even the “country girls” are deconstructing this bullshit, we’re seeing the swing of a pendulum. 🤠

That leads me to the last unhinged portion of my train 🚂 of thought:

Stole this from @lucybhutchins Instagram. Pls forgive me.

Seeing Jaci, Hayley, Lucy, & Madi’s most recent girls trip to Kanab healed a part of me. I realize that this may come off as a weird parasocial love letter to women I’ve never met in person, yet I wish all the reclamation the world can give on these women I’ve watched deconstruct over the years.²

To me these women have reclaimed themselves and seem to embody an “I can speak to the architect myself” attitude.

So, although the conservative christian white girl to liberal coastal cowgirl pipeline may be especially trendy right now, I think it’s a greater cowboy hat nod to reclaiming a culture that they’ve had to deconstruct. We’re far from the first and won’t be the last.

I guess I write this to say, social media has one of the biggest butterfly effects of all time. I do believe that sharing your experience matters to someone.

I’m grateful for these women for sharing something so personal. I thank them for following their intuition and deconstructing.

I don’t mean to put too much stalk in these women I’ve never met’s opinions, yet I value their experiences. I have enough common ground that for better or for worse, it matters to me.

I know I would never let a man hold “spiritual authority” over me ever again. For those of us that find ourselves in a similar boat, may we remember that although we have no sole leader, women have been soul leaders long before patriarchy.

So ya, it matters to me.

To hear their opinions, to listen to their experiences, to find connection among them. I’m rooting for them and everyone that came before me, never for their downfall.

Just like I am for myself, [I’m proud of the growth people do within the container of the church, yet it’s their expansion outside of this box that’s even more relatable].³

1. The "11th hour" in the Bible refers to a parable in Matthew 20:1-16, known as the Parable of the Laborers in the Vineyard. This parable tells the story of a landowner who hires workers at various times throughout the day, with some hired early in the morning and others only an hour before the end of the working day, at the "eleventh hour". Despite the difference in working hours, the landowner pays all the workers the same wage. (iykyk. thanks AI Google search ;))

2. I did interview Madi a long time ago back when I had a podcast. She was wonderful and I was inexperienced and shook she said yes to my tiny podcast, but so grateful to chat with her.

3. A re-edited and reclaimed section at the end of Veiled Faces and Enclosed Places.