Burnout Bitch 💨

It’s not just a catch phrase, although that’s what I’ve just made it.

My boyfriend asked me last week:

“If you could do anything you wanted to right now, cost irrelevant, what would you do?”

My response:

“I want to be hooked up to a feeding tube and IV.

No, put me in a coma for a week.”

There’s a word for that, he said, “sensory deprivation”.

YES I screamed inside.

I’ve been at the end of my rope lately and I’m sorry to all who have been affected by that. When I say “burnout” here’s what I mean:¹

I’m googling “why can’t my stomach process raw avocados anymore?”

FODMAPS, Sibo, stress. Ok I’ve read all of this before. Heal your gut, manage your stress, calm your nervous system. What am I supposed to do about that?

And then the follow-up thought…"it’s my fault for being sick”.

I’m not even working full-time. I’m just…

• Grocery shopping weekly

• Making breakfast and lunch for myself

• Making dinner from HungryRoot recipes & trying to eat mostly an anti-inflammatory diet

• Trying to manage my PCOS or whatever the hell is going on

• Taking three supplements every morning, my antidepressants, and antihistamines

• Doing yoga to manage the pain

• Writing my thought dump/morning pages in my journal

• Checking on ads for work

• Trying to listen to my body and answer its calls

• Hoping to write more, create more art, and be creative more more more

• Answering my texts

• Trying to get a therapist covered by my crap Medicaid insurance

• Going to therapy once every 1-2 weeks if I can afford it

• Trying to find another general doctor and OBGYN actually covered by my insurance as well

• Switching between ibuprofen, acetaminophen, Myodol, & Earlybirds to manage my cramps

• Putting on another panty liner because I’m spotting for the 13th time this month

• Drinking MixHers in case it helps with the cramps and bloating long term. Why not.

• Trying to look for jobs to apply for that I can show up to, but that are flexible for my horrible health

• Fighting off the anger at how grief has ripped apart my life no matter how hard I try to keep it together

• Get angry at the patriarchy for… everything

• Doing a coffee run just to get out of the house

• Listening to motivating podcasts or ones that make me laugh so I can peel myself out of bed

• Reading as much as my brain can handle to learn and be entertained

• Spending time with my boyfriend who I love dearly

• Doing it all over again

I’m spending so much time just trying to take care of myself. But the mystery remains, why am I still burnt out?

BITCH please!? You’re literally fighting to survive.

I’m not trying to discount any degree of burnout. I want to encourage people to REST, like actually REST before they get to any point near this. But how?

I wrote this poem a while back:

Will it ever be enough?
There’s not enough time to release my sadness. 
The truth is maybe there’s not. 
So it comes out like a fire hose, 
with its destruction and deliverance, 
Trying to save me from burning out. 

I don’t have all the answers, but I know I’m supposed to rest. Will it ever be enough? I don’t know.

I’m trying to concentrate on these types of rest I learned about in this Instagram post a while back:

intersectionalenvironmentalist

A post shared by @intersectionalenvironmentalist

I’ll end with another poem I wrote months ago, in a moment of relief. I share this in hopes to remind myself and you, that when we rest, we always come back to ourselves. 💗

It feels like it will never be enough time,
To rest,
To release,
To reset.

When all time is taken,
And only this moment remains,
I rest,
I release,
I reset.

Then,
And only then,
Do I ask myself,
What’s next?

1. I highly recommend the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking The Stress Cycle” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. I reserved it on Libby for free.