What Is My Purpose? (and other totally non-existential easy breezy questions 🤪)

Mormonism handed me a perfectly plated purpose on a silver platter. That made losing my beliefs the most nauseating rollercoaster imaginable. Suddenly I’m at the end of The Truman Show walking up the stairs of the sky and opening the door to the outside world filled with fear and curiosity. I’m Nicole Kidman throwing my arms out and letting out the world’s greatest sigh of relief after divorcing Tom Cruise. 

I’m FREE! I’m freeeeeeee! Oh shit I’m free… (*insert intense panic)

The day after I knew to my core that I was no longer a member of the Mormon church I drove to work blasting Hailee Steinfield’s “I Love You’s” feeling like I’d just escaped a toxic relationship. I was surprised to find that after life’s most vulnerable moment came clarity and relief. In my months of exploring my greatest fear that maybe the church I had dedicated my life to was not true, I let myself sink deep into that fear to one of the darkest places of my life. Once I’d sunk low enough and I felt like I was curled in a ball at the bottom of a dark well, I uncovered my eyes and gasped for air. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do, but I was still breathing. 

Where previously I’d felt a driving purpose I felt an empty void, but after months of what felt like torturous soul searching then came relief and rest. I was relieved that the harmful teachings of the church weren’t true. Relieved that I didn’t have to justify anti-LGBTQ+ teachings, polygamy, sexism, and racism in the church. Relieved to no longer mask my panic during the temple ceremonies. Relieved that I no longer needed to report to a man in his 50’s about my personal beliefs. After all of this exhaustion, I could finally rest. That was the first step for me. 

After resting came discovery. That first year the thought that kept coming into my head was “the world is so much bigger”. There’s so much to explore, so many things to learn, and so many experiences I haven’t yet had. In a lot of ways it felt like this was the first time I was part of the bigger world. I was waking up and taking my first breaths when I didn’t even know for 23 years of my life that I was under water. 

A few years later, I’m still in that discovery phase. I hope I never get tired of the warmth on my shoulders when I wear a tank top. I hope I always love clothes shopping as much as I do now and being able to truly express my personal style. I hope I never grow tired of trying new coffee and dreaming up new tattoo ideas. I hope I never take for granted just how happy I am to feel like a “normal” adult when I dress up and go out for drinks with my friends. I hope I can always spend my Sundays in the mountains. It’s been years, yet I’m still finding so much joy in this discovery phase. 

In this discovery phase I’ve had a lot of time to think about my purpose in life since leaving Mormonism. At this point in my life my thoughts are this:

What if my value does not lie in my “purpose”. What if I’m not valuable because I have a purpose to be something in particular. What if I just am? 

Right now, there’s nothing I “know without a shadow of a doubt”. I currently believe that anyone who claims to “know” these things is trying to sell me something. I have found peace in not knowing. Here are a list of the things I do not “know”:

• If God or a higher power exists

• Where people go after they die

• Whether or not the boy I had a crush on in 7th grade liked me back

• Why I’m still afraid of ghosts if I don’t believe in them

• How to “perfectly” balance my job, hobbies, relationships, and mental health

• Why women’s periods sync together when in close proximity (and will I ever be the Alpha female?)

• Why good people have to go through hard things

• And a great deal of other things 

Coming from a religion that valued bearing your testimony on the things that you “know” those are difficult confessions. I have learned that I am the only one I need to trust when it comes to “knowing” (big Glennon Doyle Untamed fan here) and beliefs are ever-evolving just as we are ever-evolving. I am learning to trust myself deeper than ever before. Here are the things I do “know” (or shall we say believe?):

• I am worthy as I am.

• I have incredible potential and magic within me.

• Chocolate lava cake and vanilla ice cream is god sent.

• I feel “the spirit” more when I’m camping than I’ve ever felt in a temple. 

• I can trust myself. Nothing is a match for my intuition. 

• No feeling is final. 

• Dancing is the best medicine. 

• My younger self would be so proud of me. 

• My purpose is not up for debate by any religion, person, job, or institution. My purpose is mine. 

Losing all of the answers to life’s biggest questions was first devastating, then nerve-wracking, then empowering. I thought I needed a purpose outside of Mormonism written above my mirror so that I wouldn’t get “lost” but I don’t think anyone can ever truly get lost unless they lose themselves. Now my beacon of truth is myself. Rebuilding my spirituality is endless learning and connecting to myself. 

Maybe someday I’ll find joy in pulling tarot cards the way I currently obsess over trying new coffee. Maybe in a few years I’ll want to talk about the possibility of God as much as I want to spend my Sundays in the mountains. And maybe eventually I’ll have a more definitive answer as to what my purpose is, but for now I still find myself in awe of how much that void brought excitement and motivation into my new life. And for me that’s enough for now.