The Secret Life Of A Deconstructing Mormon Wife
Inspired by @dearmormonme’s recent post, here were my secrets in the form of “anti-Mormon” content that aided in my faith exploration.
There’s no way I can write this story perfectly, so for now, this is my account 5 years after I left the precious religion I was raised in. I held it near and dear to my heart and the grief of losing that was my first greatest loss of my life.
I started looking for further light and knowledge in the fall of 2019. I had just graduated from BYU in spring of 2018, married my husband in the temple, and lived in a humble one bedroom apartment just across from campus. I don’t know how else to explain it, so here it goes…
Going through the temple was a choice I made without plans to go on a mission or get married. I was inspired to take this next step and I prepared myself earnestly. So much so, that I knew everything that was about to happen.
I knew what I’d wear, I knew the order of the ceremony, and I knew the covenants I would make. I don’t like surprises, and I wouldn’t let what was meant to be the most spiritual experience of my life be negative in any form due to my lack of preparation. So I bent the rules to protect myself, asking loved ones every detail.
And so it was, no surprises. The first time I listened and observed, taking it to heart as best as a first-timer could.
It was months later, when I let my guard down, that I started feel something was off. I desperately wanted to force myself to feel the sacred essence of this space, but my body rejected it. I felt as if I lost my willpower as my body fought to keep me safe. Ripping off my head-to-toe white layers and crying “I can’t breathe” as women whispered outside the dressing room was enough for me to promise myself that I’d find my answers.
And so it began, a journey for truth. I had pure intentions, a supportive husband, and without schoolwork to do, all the time in the world. I trusted with all of my heart that I would find answers to comfort my soul and that my testimony would be strengthened. I was at a complete loss when that’s not at all what I found.
So much shame enveloped me that I didn’t talk to anyone about it for months. I felt completely alone. I couldn’t even think of anyone I could talk to about what I was going through. Who could I trust? I figured nobody I knew would be unbiased…either “in” or “out” of the church, so I kept it to myself.
I’m swayed greatly by the people I love, but this time something in me (*which I now recognize mostly as shame) kept me from sharing. I honestly felt terrified of discussing something I felt tender about. For me the secret life of a soon-to-be ex-Mormon wife was a lonely one, and although that was incredibly painful, I desperately needed to trust myself during this time. Everything I consumed in that time, books, essays, podcasts, movies, YouTube channels, and more, was part of my secret life.
I’ve come a long way from that tenderness, although I still feel it often. Now I hold a special place in my heart for those places where I felt safe to explore my faith. I’m not as afraid to share my path now. Instead, I have so much gratitude (***trigger warning for using that word!? 🫣) for these people for being brave enough to share before I did. They helped me know I was very much not alone. Inspired by @dearmormonme’s post, here were my secrets in the form of “anti-Mormon” content that aided in my faith exploration:
The gospel topics essays — Honestly that’s where it all started.
Mormon stories — My dose of history for someone who’s always been very fascinated in history.
Not So Molly Mormon - My dose of humor to balance it out. 😅
The Last Podcast on The Left Mormonism series — This terrified me at first because they felt so irreverent… BUT it was good for me to hear never-Mormons talk about it in such a lighthearted way. It made me realize how ridiculous it all was. And holy hell it made me so uncomfortable, but discomfort is not always bad.
The Truman Show — Once of my all time favorite movies that I now watched in a whole different light.
The Handmaid’s Tale — I had to talk about this in therapy. I was not ok. ⚰️
Girlscamp Podcast — This has helped me a lot in the later stages. I only wish I could’ve had this years earlier!
@lostandfoundclub meetups & connections
Post-Mormon writing group (first with @jess_icabob_, then I started my own locally).
And so so so many more. I felt a lot of shame about what was “official” and “unbiased” and other people questioning my sources, but to be honest I don’t think there’s shame in learning from whatever works for you. I value truth, but truth can come from many sources, even unconventional. Even sources that make you uncomfortable. I’m the end, all of my sources helped me explore my beliefs and think for myself. And if something inspires you to think for yourself, where’s the shame in that?
What other sources helped you during your deconstruction journey? ⛪️❤️🩹
I officially left the church in 2023 after wrestling for a few years. I see myself in your story! It makes me so sad to know that so many of us suffered at the temple but couldn’t talk about it. Shame for sure thrives in secrecy. Thanks for sharing your words!